Have you ever worried about what the future holds? I have. As a kid I always wondered where I’d be? Who I’d be? I’m none of the things I imagined. I’m a prisoner.

Looking back through the hour glass of time I can pinpoint the turning points in my life. Every time I turned left when I should have turned right. From my teen view point, this future wasn’t conceivable. I was in a group home looking forward to my release. I couldn’t imagine the hardships I’d face once released and didn’t try nearly as hard as I should have to ensure a better future, while in my last of several placements, i learned about being responsible for myself and the importance of saving for the future. I learned to save money, find a job and how to open a bank account. As a teen, I discovered finding a summer job wasn’t that difficult. For every $100 I earned I deposited $80.00 into my account. It was a great feeling knowing that I had money in the bank and it made me proud that I had earned it. I was careful not to spend that hard earned money because having it in the bank was an accomplishment. Especially for a poor kid like myself who had never really had anything to call his own.

A very good friend of mine, Elias, had, at that time, done a lot with the lessons he’d learned in placement. He kept his job, found a second part time job, and continued to save his money. After his release from our group home he remained in the city where it was located to continue on with the life he’d developed. He found an apartment, bought a new truck and wore nice clothes. He wanted more for his life and he worked hard to get it. I was proud of him. Elias was so happy with his life that he asked me to join him after i was released. Instead of taking him up on his offer I headed back home to San Bernardino, California. He drove down on many occasions with his sage advice-said, he knew that if I stayed in San Bernardino and started hanging around my gang I’d ruin my life.

I wanted to go with Elias. I wanted to run into my grandpa’s house, pack my bags and jump into that truck and get away from the reality of Elias’ words. But, I didn’t, even though it was obvious Elias had a point. I somehow felt that in following him I’d be betraying my family. Sadly, despite all of Elias’ efforts to create a better life for himself he was killed in a drunk driving accident a few years later.

Elias was right, I did what he thought I would and found my old friends. I became lazy in my efforts at seeking employment and in no time my savings was gone. I was panniless, jobless and soon to be homeless if I didn’t find a way to help with the bills. The more time I allowed to slip by the more desperate for money I became. Eventually I started selling drugs, using drugs and at that point not really giving much thought to the direction my life was headed. It wasn’t until I was arrested and taken to the County Jail that I found out how far I’d strayed from that prideful teenager who assumed he knew it all.

A lot of people think crime pays. I’m sure you’ve seen the riches of those who end up on the news. But the thing they don’t mention is that the money never last. Everything you gain illegally vanishes once you get caught, and sooner or later you always get caught.

I’ve done the math on my life. The numbers don’t lie. The thirteen years in on a life sentence. Had I chosen to accept a job once offered to me by McDonald’s I would have made $205,920.
That’s not including potential raises and bonuses. That’s enough money to have bought my own car, and put a large deposit on a home. Now, as a prisoner, if I’m lucky enough to get a job work for as little as 8 cents an hour, not even enough to feed myself with in prison.

If I only could go back to placement and make the choices that are now so evident to me. I’d gladly accept that job, and stay on the path I was on while in placement. Too bad I can’t have just one chance to start over. Looking through the hour glass it’s all so clear.

One thought on “THE HOUR GLASS

  1. Umm . . . Justin. I don’t know where to begin. There is a reason why we do the things we do. Jamie, the man I write about once said something similar. When on probation as a teen and staying with an uncle away from his home town, he turned down an offer to stay and finish high school there. He missed his family. He thought if he had made a better choice then that maybe the events that followed would not have happened and he wouldn’t be in prison today. He’s 35 now and has under 5 years to go. Throughout the blog posts are many of his letters over the years of you wanted to read more of his story.

    But the point I’m making is – it would have happened anyway. Not the exact same thing, but the end result would have happened. Our environment is a result of causes we make. Unless we change something fundamental inside we have to live through the effects of what we do. The outside reflects the inside. There was something that needed to be learned that is fundamental to your life. I don’t know what you did, but my gut feeling is that you’re not a “bad” person. A life sentence won’t change that and I doubt society would need to be in fear of you if you weren’t locked up. Read what Jamie what through, in his head, as he began to understand what it was he needed to learn.

    Does this mean you have to lose your entire life to prison. Does it have to end up being wasted? That is up to you. Your mind is very powerful – when you learn how to use it. That one chance you want? Chance to do what? Like I said, your mind is the only thing that stands in your way.

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